Vancouver

We have stayed here at our new home for twenty-six years now. That is the longest period of time in our lives that we have stayed in one place without interruption. This should be considered our home. Ruth and Leo and the grandchildren consider it as such but Gita and me still feel that our real home is Shavli. Through all these years we have acquired very few friends. Those friends we made are mostly people who originated in the old country and went through the horrors of the war and the Holocaust. It seems that people cannot understand each other's attitudes and feelings unless they have shared the same past experiences.

Many people in this age prefer to retire from work but Gita and I prefer to continue with our activities in full. The reason is probably that, without work, we would be exposed to constant reminiscences of the past years. Even now I experience, from time to time, nightmares about instances of the Nazi atrocities and the Soviet persecutions. There are some disturbing thoughts that will probably remain with me until the end of my life.

A nightmare that recurs regularly is one about Tamara. I awake seeing myself taking her out of the ghetto and being caught by the Nazis. I still feel that my biggest mistake in the past was that I wasn't decisive enough to remove Tamara from the ghetto when there was a chance to do so. Maybe that is the reason why our family mentions her name so seldom when we are together. But I always remember her birthday, the 3^rd of March, and the day we last saw her, the 3rd of November.

Another dream that recurs regularly is one in which I am fighting with a serpent with the head of Stalin. I had this dream the first time a couple of days before I was arrested in Vilnius, but I have had it several times since then.

As time passes, thoughts about the past occur less frequently and many details disappear from the memory. But still I cannot erase--and should not forget--what happened to us. Once a year, during the Remembrance Services of Yom Kippur, I try to remember all my loved ones who perished during that period of my life. I start, usually, with Tamara and then my parents and from there I go over to my brother and his wife and boys and brother-in-law. After that I go to Asya and her husband, Solomon, and their boys, Boris and Ziama. Then I remember Tzilia and her husband, Abrasha, and their son and daughter, my mother-in-law, who perished in the war, and many others. I never finish the list before the service is over.

I, personally, was very lucky to remain alive and emotionally stable. I think that I was exceptionally fortunate, having met such wonderful people as Jocas and Ona, both Lithuanians, and Mueller, a German. But they were exceptions and I cannot forget the fact that many Lithuanians cooperated with the Nazis in killing Jews or that most of them hated us.

Only later, when we came to Canada, did I have the opportunity to meet Christians from western countries like Holland and Denmark. The majority of them were not anti-Semitic and were even sympathetic toward us. But I am always suspicious of people of German origin and those of Baltic or Russian extraction who quite often speak of their affection for our race and who claim their "best friends are Jews."

There have not been many dramatic events in our lives since we came to Vancouver. At first we lived the way most of the newcomers in this country did and later, after we got more settled, we lived as most of the Canadians do. For us it is hard work every day. Every morning it is the same routine: I drive Gita to school and pick her up every evening, both of us exhausted.

During the years Gita has done her share. She was - and still is - very devoted to her work. She loves her job and has done much more than is required from a teacher. Thousands of children have sat in her classes and she enjoys it tremendously when she meets former students who are grown up and even have their own children in her schools. She enjoys hearing how much they appreciated her as their teacher. Naturally, her earnings, which at the beginning were higher than mine, helped us to maintain an enjoyable standard of living.

In the meantime, Ruth and Leo grew up. Now they are well established members of the community. They are wonderful children and I am proud of them, Looking back, I would say I had no problems in bringing them up or in giving them an education. All this went automatically as far as I am concerned.

When we arrived in Canada Ruth cried bitterly when she had to join a school without knowing a word of English, but she managed to graduate high school and university without losing any time. Leo also had problems adjusting in the new country. When we came here he knew only German and he had a hard time finding friends in Vancouver. However, he always kept up his studies and I am proud, now, of his achievements as well as Ruth's.

I am happy that Ruth and Cecil, her husband, settled in Vancouver and that Marilee, Elana and Michael - their children - all live here and are steadily in close contact with us. The grandchildren, as well as Ruth, call me Papa and always feel at home with Gita and me. I am happy about this because I see other families where grandchildren have no contact with their grandparents.

Leo and his wife, Jill, live in New York. He is now a learned man, a child psychiatrist, and continues to learn even more in psychoanalysis. But I would prefer to have him here closer to us.

I am happy that Ruth and Leo love each other and am proud when I hear that they are in steady close contact.

Looking back over the past years I think that I was an incredibly lucky man. Without extreme good fortune I would not have survived the cold winter in Moscow, the killings in Shavli or events of the eighth of July 1944. At that time I had about as much chance to survive all this unharmed, as has a camel to get through the eye of a needle.

People of my age quite often talk about the good old days but for me the best days of my life are now. During earlier times - childhood, adolescence and the following years - every period had difficulties and worries. Now, however, financial and political worries are no longer acute. Besides this, I am surrounded by a loving wife and wonderful children and grandchildren. I feel that is the greatest achievement a person can have.